Its been hard...

...like really hard. The good thing is that i can find people who have visited the orphanage - and since the boys LOVE getting pictures taken I can see new pictures of them. The hard thing about that same thing - is knowing their life is the same and they are still in that place. They are STILL THERE. STILL ALONE. I am here... living my life. My nice, easy, comfy life.

I pulled up their pictures on the screen and saw my oldest boy.

I started to sob.

I don't cry much. My reaction surprised even me.

His hair had grown and I couldn't get over how much he had changed in just two months. That smile though - that smile... still as gorgeous as it always was. When i saw his picture and that precious grin - i just wanted to hug him. In one of the pictures he was wearing the shirt I gave him... not one of the bunch I had brought for the boys... but the special one that was mine, that i wanted him to have to remember me.

His smile oozes joy.

His eyes dance when he smiles.

I see it even in pictures.

You know when you look at your kid and think what a hand full they are but you think how they are worth every second of that motherly worry? Thats him. Looking at my boys and knowing that heart ache is ahead but that they are worth EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

They don't know they are worth that to me yet.

I hope they find out before their time is up.

Each night their sisters and I pray for them. Pray that Jesus will bring their brothers home. We pray that until he does that he would appoint his angels to stand guard over them and keep evil from them.

Could you handle thinking of your baby surviving alone... knowing anyone had access to them? Without you to filter the filth and evil that will prey on your baby? I get on my knees and pray that Jesus will protect them.

And I wait...

heart aching

You know that physical feeling you get when you miss someone you love? That ache in your chest? I have that... and it hurts.

I feel like the last few days I have just been hanging and clinging to every memory I have of the boys I left behind.

Their pictures are everywhere. They are in frames on the living room wall... all over our fridge.... I carry them in my purse...

my heart hurts for them. I miss them. They need me... they need a mom... any mom. I am not selfish... I am not the kind to feel "its me or no mom"... if anyone else would step up and be a mom to these boys I would be thrilled.

Why do people kind of chuckle when I tell them about some "amazing boys in ethiopia who need a mom and dad"... they think its cute or funny or crazy that I suggest they adopt them.

I don't think its any of these things.... in fact it kind of pisses me off that they think that.

What reason or excuse will we give Jesus for not taking in a child who has no one? Which excuse will he be "okay" with?

What excuse will I give him? What excuse will my husband give? Is it really enough for me to say "well, my husband wasn't ready yet"? I don't know. I truly don't know.

But I DO think we will have to give account for why we haven't acted....

I keep hearing that not everyone is called to adopt. But I wonder if we just say that so people can claim that it isn't their calling. Do we say it so its our cover for not offending those who aren't acting?

How can you NOT be called to bring in a child who has no one?