Its been hard...

...like really hard. The good thing is that i can find people who have visited the orphanage - and since the boys LOVE getting pictures taken I can see new pictures of them. The hard thing about that same thing - is knowing their life is the same and they are still in that place. They are STILL THERE. STILL ALONE. I am here... living my life. My nice, easy, comfy life.

I pulled up their pictures on the screen and saw my oldest boy.

I started to sob.

I don't cry much. My reaction surprised even me.

His hair had grown and I couldn't get over how much he had changed in just two months. That smile though - that smile... still as gorgeous as it always was. When i saw his picture and that precious grin - i just wanted to hug him. In one of the pictures he was wearing the shirt I gave him... not one of the bunch I had brought for the boys... but the special one that was mine, that i wanted him to have to remember me.

His smile oozes joy.

His eyes dance when he smiles.

I see it even in pictures.

You know when you look at your kid and think what a hand full they are but you think how they are worth every second of that motherly worry? Thats him. Looking at my boys and knowing that heart ache is ahead but that they are worth EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

They don't know they are worth that to me yet.

I hope they find out before their time is up.

Each night their sisters and I pray for them. Pray that Jesus will bring their brothers home. We pray that until he does that he would appoint his angels to stand guard over them and keep evil from them.

Could you handle thinking of your baby surviving alone... knowing anyone had access to them? Without you to filter the filth and evil that will prey on your baby? I get on my knees and pray that Jesus will protect them.

And I wait...

heart aching

You know that physical feeling you get when you miss someone you love? That ache in your chest? I have that... and it hurts.

I feel like the last few days I have just been hanging and clinging to every memory I have of the boys I left behind.

Their pictures are everywhere. They are in frames on the living room wall... all over our fridge.... I carry them in my purse...

my heart hurts for them. I miss them. They need me... they need a mom... any mom. I am not selfish... I am not the kind to feel "its me or no mom"... if anyone else would step up and be a mom to these boys I would be thrilled.

Why do people kind of chuckle when I tell them about some "amazing boys in ethiopia who need a mom and dad"... they think its cute or funny or crazy that I suggest they adopt them.

I don't think its any of these things.... in fact it kind of pisses me off that they think that.

What reason or excuse will we give Jesus for not taking in a child who has no one? Which excuse will he be "okay" with?

What excuse will I give him? What excuse will my husband give? Is it really enough for me to say "well, my husband wasn't ready yet"? I don't know. I truly don't know.

But I DO think we will have to give account for why we haven't acted....

I keep hearing that not everyone is called to adopt. But I wonder if we just say that so people can claim that it isn't their calling. Do we say it so its our cover for not offending those who aren't acting?

How can you NOT be called to bring in a child who has no one?

Ethiopia Trip 2011

I traveled with five other ladies to Ethiopia at the end of last Feb and came home 10 days later. It was more of a vision trip instead of mission trip. There were several reasons I wanted to go... to deliver donations to a couple ministries... to visit our sponsored children... to go see some ministries we support in action... and to love on some kids who have no one to love on them.

I had it in my head that I would go and while there I would find the child we would adopt. I was thinking a toddler... maybe at the oldest five, but preferably a child older than my son but younger than my oldest daughter (who is four). I was trying to decide who would be a good fit for our family... a boy or girl? I decided a girl because my amazing husband has a weakness for little princesses who are a "daddy's girl". He is so close with our daughters and they want to do EVERYTHING with their daddy. How could he say no to a little princess in need of a daddy to take care of her? So how do you like my plans? Sound good right? I also had the orphanage picked out - AHOPE. Its a private Christian orphanage for kids who are HIV positive. So there ya go - I let God know where he could find my princess, how old she needed to be... I am thoughtful aren't i?

I had plans before too...

like how we would start our family by adopting a child in the foster care system, a boy or two, elementary school aged, african american or biracial. Surprise, God decided to send us a beautiful hispanic princess whose birth we got to be a part of. We thought we would wait several years before having a biological child, after adopting a few. Surprise... when our hispanic princess was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant. We thought we would adopt from Ethiopia next (in Jan 2010) but God slammed that door shut (much to my frustration) and four months later our son's parents asked us to be his mom and dad.

You would think I have learned.

You would think I would know that nothing happens how I think or plan.

You would think that I would see that God's plans are more than I could dream up.

I went to Ethiopia and I fell in love. I found the children I want to adopt.

But they aren't little girls... and they aren't even "little" boys.

I fell in love with some young teen boys who yearn for a mom to love them.

For a family to call their own.

For a family name to be theirs.

I fell in love with boys who wouldn't let me hold my bag for second, but instead was always by my side to hold it and anything else that was heavy... even if it took four of them taking turns because my bag was so heavy.

I fell in love with boys who gave away the brand new shoes that I bought them, to a boy who had no shoes. I fell in love with boys who were always thanking me and telling me how much they appreciated every.little.thing. I did for them.

I fell in love with boys who have no mom to scratch their back as they fall asleep at night. I fell in love with boys who don't have a mom to comfort them when they get their feelings hurt. Who don't have a dad to tell them how proud he is of them. Boys who don't have a mom to give them chicken soup when they have the flu. Boys who don't have a mom or dad to say "I love you" to them each night when they go to bed, each morning when they wake up... or for no reason at all.

They don't know what thats like. And they crave it.

These boys are incredible.

I fell in love with the boys whose eyes were filled with tears as they told me goodbye.

As they told me they loved me.

As they told me how much they would miss me.

These boys who have only each other.

But they are MY boys. In my heart, they are mine.

I have cried countless tears for these boys and what their futures hold.

I am praying that God brings them here. To my home. To be my sons.

I know he can do it.

I just hope he does.

But I need to remember that His plans always wow me...

can't wait to see what he has in store.

So much...

So much has happened since my last post in November 2010. In Feb/March I took a ten day trip to Ethiopia and it was incredible! It was one of the most amazing things I have experienced. I was able to see ministries in action and I fell in love with some amazing boys at an orphanage.

I hope to update you all some time, but for right now I am looking for people traveling back there so I can send a couple small care packages to those amazing boys. Their orphanage is located in Addis, but if it can't be delievered I can have a friend in Addis pick up the packages from them :)

A care package for Ethiopia!

I was put in touch with a friend who would soon be traveling to Ethiopia to visit the daughter they were adopting - she was willing to take a "care package" from us to one of our sponsored boys! I was SO excited about it! She delievered it last week. Now we weren't sure if she would actually get to MEET him. Our boy is at Yezelalem Minch, and my friend and her husband would be staying at the the home of the woman who started Yezelalem Minch. So we knew that even if she couldn't MEET him - that she would be able to leave his gifts and he would eventually get them.

Much to my surprise she DID get to meet our little guy!!!!!
This is what she shared with me about it:



"The entire trip was just absolutely amazing! Our hearts are overflowing right now! Thank you for letting us bring a gift to your little guy. We were so blessed by that experience. Eyasu and Bilen (our sponsored girl) were so overwhelmed when we met them and started handing them all this stuff. It broke my heart because it was not a big deal for me to bring all that stuff, and they were just in shock at the sight of it. Just another reminder of how much we take for granted.

Our meeting with them was very brief. We had a jam-packed day that day, and were running behind schedule. They had been waiting for us for 2 hours. They were both brought in to the Yezelalem Minch office to meet us. Bilen is from Addis, but Eyasu lives outside of Addis. I think they said it was about an hour drive back to his house. His social worker was the one who brought him into Addis that day. Neither of the kids said much. You could tell that they were very overwhelmed, but they were so happy and thankful. We told them that we pray for them everyday, and encouraged them to study hard.

I have to say, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I feel like I was far more blessed by the experience than the kids were.Our court trip was short and had a lot of things packed into a few short days. We're hoping to be there longer during our embassy trip, and even visit the sponsored kids at their homes. We'd be happy to bring your little guy another package if you want us to. Just let me know. :)"



I am so excited for their next trip when they bring their daughter home and get to see first hand how our little man lives. Its so powerful to me what a few dollars a month can do to change the life of a child - and what it means to them!

Finalization!

Just got the notice in the mail today that we will finalize our little man's adoption in two weeks! I am not looking at this day like "he will finally be OURS" - because he already is, I don't need a court to tell me that. Its significant of course because legally he becomes our son - but on his original birth certificate his first parents chose to put our last name as his. They put our name for him on it - I thought that was pretty special. I am SO EXCITED that his adoption will be final before the year's end - this means that we can claim all of our adoption expenses on our taxes in April! G's adoption ended up being about four thousand dollars more than we had originally anticipated, which may not seem like much, but when you aren't planning on it, and you don't have the money... well.. I am thankful this year the tax credit is refundable. With the refund we should be able to pay off the adoption loan (which is both K & G's loan combined). I'd like to say that this is good so we can get another loan and do it again!! Realistically, that isn't happening any time soon. My husband says no more babies. ever. He would like to adopt from the system next, but that also won't happen for a couple years so who knows where we will be at that point :) I like to guess and think about what life will be like - but things never turn out the way I anticipate. Luckily :)

Two Mommas

I think many people have an idea of what "type" of women chooses adoption for her child. Many think she doesn't want a child - or that knowing she will say goodbye to the baby somehow makes the emotional pain less. In my own little mind at 23 I had no idea what it really meant when a women (my daughter's mom) looked at her child, kissed her and said goodbye - never knowing if she would see her again, believing she would have a better life. I knew it was a great love that would compell a women (or young girl) to carry a child for nine months knowing she would say goodbye - I knew it was love - but I didn't understand the intense connection she felt to her child. I didn't know that a piece of her heart would forever be hurting because she lost her child. I just didn't understand. I didn't realize how deep that pain would go. I feel dumb - because once you become a mom - you GET that losing a child in ANY capacity is losing a piece of your heart - a death. Its devastating.

((Cassie (k's mom) was 14, Cassie's mom, RaeAnn, was just 32. Raeann was the emotional filter between us and her daughter)). She is a soft spoken girl - the oldest of two daughters to a single mom. She was so sweet when RaeAnn introduced us to her in the hospital. She loved looking thru the pictures of K and seeing if she looked like her :) Cassie didn't see K in person until she was three days old. I can remember handing K to Cassie for the first time and stepping back in awe as I watched them. I took around 50 pictures of them together just in that 20 minutes with them. Cassie couldn't take her eyes off of K. When K would cry, Cassie would comfort her and hold her close and my favorite picture of them together is of her doing this. You could FEEL the love - intense love - this child had for her baby. We have met up with them two more times in California in the three years to follow - each time I love to watch Cassie with her daughter - our daughter. Its as if she is trying to memorize every smile, every expression, every feature. K loves lemons just like her momma. Cassie loves that she and k share that :) Our moments with Cassie have been short and sweet - three visits, and hour each, over three years. Despite experiencing her - I hadn't mourned Cassie's loss until K was two. I don't know why it took me that two years. All I know is that when I saw them together that last time I felt the loss in Cassie's heart - and the loss that would someday be in K's heart. I felt that emptiness because I sat and thought of what my life would be like if I had to say goobye to K - and it devastated me. Her loss was no less. I often wonder if she regrets the choice made to say goodbye. How could she not regret it to some degree? She knows K is loved - she knows she is happy - but I can't help but wonder how much she wishes it was her who was loving her and making her happy.

Our experience with G's mom and dad has been so different. There has been no one to be a "filter" between us and them. My husband and I spent a week together in (another state) and spent time with them before my husband had to go back home. They were the kind of couple we would be friends with and double date with. You just felt great spending time and talking with them. It made the reason we were there, even more difficult emotionally. They became our friends - people we loved. I wish you could know them.They are two of the sweetest people - kindest people - you could ever meet. They are strong people, they love Jesus and they have compassion for those around them. You have no idea what it was like to see them with G. You know those new parents who just giggle and smile and laugh at every adorable feature, smile and noise that their new baby makes? That was them. They LOVE their son. They ADORE him. I have tons of pictures of them together- I tried to capture the moments of them with G so someday he would see and feel that love from them that was evident.

I shared the album of them with one of my closest friends and while looking at it - she made the comment "It makes me so sad!" - when I asked what exactly made her sad, she said "Because they look so happy with him!". That was the point. I wanted her to see them with him. I wanted them to stop being the "birth parents" and to become the mom and dad to this beautiful little boy who had to say goodbye.

The next two weeks (in the other state) when I was waiting for paperwork to go thru and stuck at the hotel - G's mom came over and we ran some errands or we hung out at the hotel. I wanted her to have the opportunity to experience him as much as she could before we left - IF its what she wanted. She did. I feel so priviledged that she allowed me to witness those special moments with her son. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. And my heart BROKE because I knew she was going to have to say goodbye. Did I mention he is looking more like her everyday? Thats another thing I love - is seeing within my children, who it was that gave them life.

I love G's parents. I love K's mom and grandma. I love their families. I don't want their role in my children's life to be viewed as less valuable or have them belittled by stereotypes and misconceptions.

Often agencies take away and filter the realness of what is happening. A woman is saying goodbye to her child - a piece of her. Not only that - but she is entrusting her CHILD to someone else. The pain doesn't end when the paper is signed. I never want the love my children's moms had for them minimized.... ever.

I wish I could share pictures that SHOW this love - and that you see and understand. I just wanted to share a note to try to articulate how deep their love goes. WORDS WILL NEVER DO THEIR LOVE JUSTICE. I think about it alot. I hate to hear these women talked about like an incubator. Not everyone I run into is that insensitive - but it happens more often than you might think.

When I hear comments made - I want to tell these people that they don't understand - that they don't know the women I know, who love their babies, and always will.

A woman's love for her child is no less, simply because she says goodbye. Her pain is no less because of this choice. And her pain doesn't go away over time..she just finds ways to deal with it. Not only that - but every woman deals with her grief differently. For some women its easier to pretend it never happend - to have no contact with their child or the family. Her love is no less, she just mourns her loss differently. Some women want the contact with her child and the family - both of our kids' moms have made this choice... but I don't want it to come across that women who don't do this must not love their children.

My thoughts and feelings are all over place so if this is jumbled -I apologize.

Just because I say "G's mom" or "K's mom", doesn't mean that I am any less their mom.

I think so many people forget that these children are loved and adored by someone else first... and..... THATS OKAY. That doesn't make my love for my kids any less because of this.

A quote mentions that having a child "is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” I think of that when looking at my kids - they are both my heart and the heart of the women who will always be their mom too.

I am thankful to be part of that equation.